1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10.1 haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.