Stroking of beard increases concentration, cognitive ability. Filters the air of toxins, pollution, and stray food. Natural ear-repellant when camping or wandering in the woods. Science has shown that beards rarely sleep. Beards are almost completely immune to sarcasm. Acts as a homing beacon attracting the jealousy and admiration of the beardless. Quadruples handsomeness. Dramatically increases your wood-chopping capabilities. Lets you instinctually know where the nearest mountain is. Fits on your face.